


EUPHORIA

by Poe



Series: when we become who we are [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (I've tagged as Explicit but I don't think it is but just to be safe), (well I imagine there was a very tense Uber drive to Steve's apartment), Actor Steve Rogers, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, And then chapter two is feelings with feelings, Beta'd, Femme Bucky Barnes, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Irish Steve Rogers, Manually Stimulated Sex, Mature Sexual Content, Nonbinary Bucky Barnes, Other, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sequel (kind of), Sex between a trans and cis character, Small mentions of dysphoria, Takes place immediately after the previous fic, Writer Bucky Barnes, coming out to yourself, gender euphoria, nonbinary author, smut with feelings, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:47:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23912530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poe/pseuds/Poe
Summary: Steve has one hand on Bucky's thigh, just underneath the hem of their dress, the other hand clenched into the fabric covering Bucky's chest, so close that Bucky is sure Steve can feel the jackrabbit beat of their heart. Their mouths find each other, sloppy and bruising and like the earth might stop spinning if either of them pulls away. Bucky's skin feels impossibly hot, the heat blossoming through their body and resting at the base of their spine, seeking release. Bucky pushes their hips forwards, grabbing at Steve, at any part of him, his slight frame fitting between the brackets of Bucky's hips like he was always meant to be there.*Takes place immediately after Bucky Barnes & The Mortifying Ordeal Of Being Known. Would recommend reading that first for context, but not essential!
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: when we become who we are [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716919
Comments: 38
Kudos: 98





	1. Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: Bucky uses they/them pronouns throughout and identifies heavily as femme. All references to Bucky's genitals are non-gendered or edge closer to femme-identifying. There are a couple of sentences throughout the two chapters about dysphoria but Bucky does not experience it during this fic. Bucky experiences gender euphoria in chapter two after having sex with Steve (though not as a direct result of it!) and comes out more fully to themself, which could be triggering as I know it's a very scary thing to do. I, and my beta, have taken great care with this fic to produce something which allows nonbinary people to be sexual without being seen as a fetish/kink/what have you. Bucky refers to themself as 'your girl' to Steve in chapter two. In the second chapter they discuss Steve's coming out and Steve seems unaware of the privilege he has compared to Bucky. This will be addressed in a future ficlet! If any of this is triggering or uncomfortable to you, please feel free to x out of this fic! Any mistakes are my own ad coloured by my own experiences. If you are uncomfortable with sexual situations, you can skip the first chapter - that is entirely okay. I think that's everything, but do tell me (nicely, preferably) in the comments if I've fucked up.
> 
> Major thanks and a huge shoutout to my beta @jesuisgrace who helped improve this fic immeasurably and who pointed out some really obvious things I missed. 
> 
> And, I guess... onwards!

“Is this okay?”

Steve has one hand on Bucky's thigh, just underneath the hem of their dress, the other hand clenched into the fabric covering Bucky's chest, so close that Bucky is sure Steve can feel the jackrabbit beat of their heart. Their mouths find each other, sloppy and bruising and like the earth might stop spinning if either of them pulls away. Bucky's skin feels impossibly hot, the heat blossoming through their body and resting at the base of their spine, seeking release. Bucky pushes their hips forwards, grabbing at Steve, at any part of him, his slight frame fitting between the brackets of Bucky's hips like he was always meant to be there.  
  


“Can I?” Steve murmurs, and Bucky nods and whines, pitchy and high in response, an affirmation, shredded with need, the usual churning discomfort whited out by desire, by validation, by the sheer comfort in being _seen_.

  
Steve's fingers move a little higher on Bucky's thigh, a little further inwards, and Bucky shivers with it. They close their eyes and press their head against the wall behind them, where Steve had crowded them as soon as he'd kicked the apartment door shut.  
  
Steve's mouth moves to the crook of Bucky's neck, the hand over Bucky's breast moving to pull at the fabric there, to expose more skin, to allow Steve to suck and bite and soothe and god - Bucky groans and feels it in their entire body, how good this is, how right this feels, Steve's other hand edging that bit closer to where it needs to be, where Bucky is so wanting, so desperate, that Steve must know, he must.  
  
As though reading Bucky's thoughts, Steve pulls away, looks up at Bucky with red raw lips and clear blue eyes, a wreck caused by siren call, and it's all Bucky can do to stare back.  
  
"Beautiful," Steve says, eyes tracing Bucky's features, taking everything in. "You're so beautiful."  
  
Bucky keens with want, body close enough to feel how much Steve wants too, and Steve shushes them, feather light touches on Bucky's inner thigh making tiny circles. Bucky's hips jerk, and Steve gasps then too, a reward, and then the pressure of Steve stroking Bucky through their underwear, a fingertip to the line of Bucky’s sex, already damp with want, and Bucky whimpers, eyes shutting again as Steve slips his hand beneath the waistband, finally, skin on skin and so much, like electric shocks, Bucky is both inside of their body and out, shuddering and pulsing and grateful for the way Steve's body holds theirs up as their knees go weak and Steve twists his wrist just so, and it's almost embarrassing how quickly Bucky falls apart, spending themself over Steve's hand, left shaking and tender raw edges.  
  
Steve is murmuring, pet names, soft words, baby doll, beautiful, perfect, and they filter through the static haze of calm that descends over Bucky's brain, Steve still hard against their thigh, and Bucky manages to open their eyes enough to see Steve shucking his suspenders with frantic gestures, pushing them down and taking himself in hand, quick broad strokes that seem rough and desperate, and Bucky moves a shaking hand to cover Steve's, just as the man shudders his release, Bucky's name on his tongue as a savage whine.  
  
Steve's hair is a mess, sticking to his forehead, sweat turning it almost brown, and he rests his head into the crook of Bucky's neck, breathing heavy, and they shake together for a little while, coming back down to earth, as gravity reasserts itself on sex-weak limbs. Bucky presses butterfly kisses to any inch they can reach, the wall behind them cool against the heat of their spine, keeping them upright, a brace as they learn to hold themself upright again.  
  
"Wow," Steve says, after what could be minutes or hours, the air thick and his accent thicker. "I don't usually - ever, really. Not like that. I think you broke my brain." He laughs, and it's the most perfect sound Bucky has ever heard.  
  
"Me neither," Bucky says, skin goose pimpling as sweat begins to dry. "I didn't think I still could. Or that - anybody would want to. Not with, oh shit - "  
  
Bucky pushes Steve away a little and confirms their fears.  
  
"My dress!"  
  
Steve looks down too. His face turns apologetic.  
  
"I'll buy you a hundred dresses, a thousand. Whatever you want," he says. Bucky laughs, shaking their head.  
  
"It's okay. God. It's okay. Can we - can we sit?" They ask and Steve nods, stepping back so Bucky can slide down the wall, and Steve moves too, until they're both eye level again but resting on the hallway floor, sitting like faded August sunflowers, wilting towards each other.  
  
"I didn't expect this. Goddammit. Steve Rogers. What is this?" Bucky looks up at the ceiling, then back at Steve, who grins, lopsided.  
  
"Bucky Barnes. The most beautiful human I've ever seen," Steve murmurs, shifting closer so their knees touch.  
  
"I like it when you call me that - beautiful, I mean."  
  
"Then that's all I'll call you. Because you are, you know?" Steve is earnest, and Bucky reaches out to brush a knuckle against Steve's exposed knee.  
  
"We're a mess," Bucky says, taking in the sight of them both, Steve with his pants loose around his calves, Bucky's dress rumpled and stained.  
  
"You want to shower? I have some clothes you can borrow," Steve offers.  
  
"With you?" Bucky asks.  
  
"There's room," Steve says, and grins.  
  
Steve stands, grimacing slightly as he does so, feeling the stickiness on his skin now the moment has ebbed. He holds out a hand to help pull Bucky up, and Bucky takes it.  
  
"I don't know how to do any of this," Bucky admits, Steve's hand wrapped around theirs, solid, warm.  
  
"Me neither," Steve says, squeezing Bucky's hand gently. "But that's okay, isn't it? Whatever this is - we'll figure it out. I want to figure it out. I want you. I know it's only been - god, not even a day, but I know that like I know my own name. I want you, Bucky."  
  
"Even with - "Bucky pauses, searching for the words.  
  
"Even with," Steve says before they can find them. "I like who you are. Even if you don't know quite who that is yet. I want to be there as you figure it out. I'm all in."  
  
"God," Bucky blushes, head giddy, "I'm going to end up falling in love with you twice."  
  
"As many times as it takes," Steve replies, and kisses Bucky soft, barely there. Bucky chases his lips as he pulls away and nearly stumbles.  
  
"Come on, shower, then bed. You're dead on your feet," Steve says, guiding Bucky gently forwards.  
  
Bucky lets themself be guided, head dopey and heart full, anxiety quelled for the first time in years, hand in hand with their lover, barely daring to believe.  
  
Bucky knows even then that they love Steve Rogers in three dimensions, Steve Rogers the man and not the image on a screen. They may take a couple of months to say it aloud, but they know. And as Steve helps them shuck their dress over their head, there's a certainty that wasn't there before, that they can't, and never have been a _'he'_ , that that has been crystallised and fixed within them now and forever.  
  
They step under the warm spray and Steve follows, and they're awestruck, for a moment, that they get to have this. And then a voice that sounds suspiciously like Nat's says in the back of their head _"well, why shouldn't you be allowed this?"._  
  
Maybe it's time to listen to that voice. Bucky turns their face up to the spray, not caring about their makeup, and feels Steve wrap his arms around their waist.  
  
After, Steve rubs Bucky’s skin dry with a soft towel and bundles them into bed, Bucky almost sleepwalking from the bathroom to the bedroom.

“Tired,” they say, and Steve smiles.

“Sleep now, beautiful,” he says, and so Bucky does.


	2. Afterglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please heed the content warning from the beginning of the first chapter! Thank you, and take care. :)

"I don't feel it when I'm with you," Bucky says, face half buried in Steve's pillow.  
  
"What?" Steve asks, genuinely interested, looking as sleep rumpled as Bucky feels.  
  
How to put it onto words?  
  
"The dysphoria. The horrible squirming in my stomach of wrongness. I thought - it should be here, now. But it's not. I just feel - happy. Warm. Like there's sunshine inside me."  
  
"That's good, right?" Steve asks, reaching lazily to stroke Bucky's hair. Bucky shifts so that they're not talking into the pillow.  
  
"It's weird. I've lived with it for as long as I can remember. It can't just be gone."  
  
Steve hums, and wraps and unwraps one of Bucky's curls around his fingers.  
  
"You never treated me like - god, I don't want to say it because it'll fuck me up. You treated me - like I was something soft. You said all those words. Called me beautiful. Made something shift inside me," Bucky says carefully. Doesn't want to say the word ‘ _man’_. Doesn't even want to think it.  
  
Steve thinks for a moment, like he's selecting his words with care.  
  
"I never want to presume," Steve begins, "and I want you to always tell me if I'm wrong. But from the moment I first saw you, my brain - sort of knew. And when you showed up at the coffee shop - wearing that perfect dress, I sort of knew a little more. You were being brave, saying it without words - and when I asked you your pronouns it made sense a little. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I know people who have been in your shoes, who are just like you - figuring it out. I've talked to them a lot. And maybe, we moved too fast, you and I, but I don't think I'd take it back if I could. Would you?"  
  
Bucky shakes their head and smiles.  
  
"You weren't wrong. I guess I'm just surprised is all. It's nice. To be seen. And to be treated - like that. Like I'm your girl." Bucky covers their face with their hands and groans. "I've never said that to anyone. Never even admitted it to myself really. That I want that. I let myself dress like it, but to actually step over that line? Fuck. It's so scary."  
  
"You're okay," Steve promises. "If anything makes you uncomfortable I won't do it again."  
  
Bucky moves one hand away from their face, revealing a grin.  
  
"Uncomfortable? It makes me ecstatic. But terrified. What does that make me? I'm not playing dress up anymore, am I? This is real. Shit, it's always been real. Fuck."  
  
Steve doesn't say anything, letting Bucky process their thoughts, face half uncovered, feeling raw and vulnerable.  
  
Bucky is thankful for this kindness, letting their mind whir over what they've just said.  
  
"Can I touch you?" Steve asks into the silence. Bucky nods, still not quite able to make words form.  
  
Steve moves his hand from Bucky's hair and runs it down past Bucky's ear, past pillow creased skin and light freckles. He touches the corner of Bucky's mouth, fingertips gentle as a kiss, before finding the dimple of Bucky's chin and dipping into it, then tracing down to Bucky's throat, past their right clavicle, the jut of bone there, to Bucky's chest, resting his palm over Bucky's heartbeat.  
  
Bucky lets a hand cover Steve's, lacing their fingers together loosely.  
  
"It's okay to be scared," Steve says gently. "I promise you it won't be scary forever. It's just change. Something new."  
  
"Something old," Bucky says, not correcting, but continuing, "something as old as me that I've never been able to allow myself to be."  
  
They huff out a kind of laugh. Then remember:  
  
"Hey, you came out too. Aren't you scared? What people are going to say?"  
  
Steve shrugs.  
  
"Not really. I think - it wasn't bravery. I'm in a position where I never have to work again if I don't want to. I could disappear. It'd suck, but if wouldn't be the end of the world. And it felt right. After meeting you and so many others. Who was I hiding from? What did it matter?"  
  
"I'm proud of you," Bucky says. "Even if you don't see what a big deal it is."  
  
"And I'm proud of you," Steve squeezes Bucky's hand, "so damn proud."  
  
"I feel like I've known you forever," Bucky says, "but I haven't, not really. A version of you, but never you."  
  
"You can know me now," Steve says. "Anything you want. We've got time."  
  
Bucky smiles, wide and bright.  
  
"This is so weird. Good weird, but weird. Like the world's best dream. I hope I don't wake up."  
  
"I'd be there if you did. I feel like we'd find each other anywhere. Kismet," Steve says and shuffles closer to Bucky, the warmth of his skin blossoming against Bucky's.  
  
"Kismet. I like that. Steve?" Bucky asks, and Steve looks up, all blue eyes and open features.  
  
"What, Bucky?"  
  
"I am your girl, you know. For whatever that means and for however long we last. Only yours though." It's a promise, it's a secret barely revealed, it's hope.  
  
"I'm yours too, you know. Not your girl, but you know what I mean. I’m yours," Steve says. "Since the first moment I saw you. It was all I could ever be."  
  
"You think we can do this?" Bucky asks.  
  
"Yeah," Steve says, and grins wide, before pressing a kiss to Bucky's hand. "I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I must admit that writing this chapter and the previous one was extremely emotional for me and I did have a panic attack upon finishing the first draft. Don't feel bad about this, by the way, I can have a panic attack about literally anything! After several edits, and the invaluable work of my beta and general awesome person, @jesuisgrace, I'm really happy with how it turned out.
> 
> This chapter, I really wanted to explore Bucky coming to terms with their femininity, and that fear that comes when it all slots into place and you go 'oh shit, this is forever, this is scary'. Whilst I'm coming at it from the opposite side to Bucky, I'm still dealing with that feeling and it can be overwhelming, so I wanted to capture the gender euphoria that comes with finding that part of yourself - hence the name of this two-parter. When someone uses your pronouns without a second thought, or takes the time to make you feel comfortable - whilst I've never experienced it in the circumstances Bucky does here, it's still pretty nifty.
> 
> Anyway. There will be more to this 'verse - more of Bucky and Nat's friendship, more of Bucky's writing, and more Bucky and Steve domesticity, though hopefully I won't have to use the 'Explicit' rating again! It's really, really fun to write this Bucky and I'm so thankful to everyone who responded so kindly to the original fic. Bucky has evolved with every chapter and I'm so proud of where I've go to with this.
> 
> You can find me at jbbarnes.tumblr.com where I'm more than happy to answer any and all questions about this fic (anon is always on), as well as accepting prompts and head canons! I'm also on Twitter at twitter.com/smallreprieves - hmu! 
> 
> Comments and kudos mean everything, no comment is too short or too silly.
> 
> Take care, and stay safe. xx

**Author's Note:**

> This two-parter came as a surprise to me, as an idea and as a finished piece! I wanted to write more in this 'verse but had no idea how to approach Steve 'jumps out of planes without a parachute to avoid talking about dating' and Bucky 'I read about you in a museum' Barnes. They're not canonically good at communicating! So that's how this chapter came about. I am HELLA ace and sex-repulsed to boot, so I don't write smut often, and when I do it's mostly a matter of keeping track of people's limbs. My lovely beta @jesuisgrace was invaluable in this regard, and pointed out really obvious things I should have known. 
> 
> I wanted to explore the dichotomy of Bucky's sexual experience compared to Steve, and hopefully that worked. I have no idea how true or accurate these sexual dynamics are, I didn't have sex ed at school and haven't ever really sought it out as it's almost entirely irrelevant to my life, so all failings are mine! 
> 
> I hope this isn't a let down, and that you enjoy the second chapter, where they do use their words!


End file.
